Make sure they see it through better than I did...

The topic of this post was supposed to be complacency, but something in my personal life came up and shifted my focus. Lately I have been noticing that I project my own hopes and wishes onto those around me. Not only do I want what I want, but I also want things for other people. I then go out of my way to try to provide.

Now to me I always thought of this as being selfless, seeing the potential of someone else benefitting from something that I can provide. Not considering that every individual has a plan of their own for themselves. Who am I to say that I know what is best for everyone? Then to turn around and criticize those who are unaccepting of my “generous” offering, because I could be putting that energy and time into myself or my own family vs someone I barely know, its giving, slighty narcissistic. I wouldn’t go that far as to be self diagnosing myself with a personality disorder. Partially because I'm blogging about it now, partially because I don’t do this all the time (I think). Some of the athletes I coached may be able to relate, or my friends, definitely my family! For this I do apologize, but one thing that should never be in question were my intentions. Its the dilemma between having a big heart and feeling that my God given purpose on this earth was to give back as much of my personal experiences as possible. When I encounter people, especially young people, in similar situations I once found myself, there is a fire lit inside of me to make sure they see it through better than I did.

There are a lot of people in this world who have vices that are a lot more detrimental to their well being than helping people. Don’t discredit my flaws though! It really has taken a toll on me mentally, in my personal life, in some of my friendships, as a father, as a husband. So much so that I have really had to contemplate the direction I want to take my life in order to best serve myself. Also to apply the advice from those closest to me on how I can fulfill my role in their lives according to their own perspectives.

Not everyone will understand, and that is alright. Some people may feel like I'm letting them down, and that's alright. Some people may wish I could do more for them, and that is alright. Some people will be glad I'm out of the picture, and that is completely fine with me. I still care! I will still support those in need. I still will do what I can to help those who seek it from me. What I will not be doing is allowing myself to become vulnerable to people who do not understand me. As a M.O.G (s/o Pastor Eze) I know that there is a bigger picture than just what we see. My part in it is unclear, but I am figuring it out one step at a time. What about you?